Caden..

I have done a birth story for him in the past, but I never went into much detail. Not that I missed a lot of details, but I didn't talk about the feelings. K was talking how she felt robbed of the birth experience with a c-section. I get that. Which is why I am typing this up. She has read what I went through with K and J, but not all the details of C. So I am going to try to remember all the emotions of the day. To show that even though his birth was a c-section it was just as special to me as the babies I had natural.

As most know I had pprom. I sat in the hospital waiting for C to be born. By the time I hit the end of week 2 I was spent. I just wanted to go home. We were approaching Thanksgiving, and I was feeling sorry for myself. My mom had called and I broke down crying saying I could not do it another moment.

But when they said today is the day I think I cried harder then I had. I was scared out of my mind. Not because of the c-section (trust me that had me scared enough if I could have pooped I might have), but because I knew the odds. I knew C might never come home.

Most of the day was spent hooked up to IVs and the monitors. I was having contractions, some I could feel most I couldn't. I was bleeding most the day. We kept going back and forth between yes today, no not today. Dr Oki kept calling to see if there was any change. He made the comment that he just wished my body would just show some sign. I met with all the staff I needed to meet with, i.e. the NICU, and the anaesthesiologist. They had a meeting and decided that the best thing was to just take C that day. They all felt with my history, and with what was going on at that moment, I had 24 hours max before I went into full blown labor. They wanted to take C when everyone was on staff, and alert.

At 3 I had the nurses come in shave me, oh what joy there let me tell you! And insert the catheter (holy shit those hurt!). My FIL showed up right after 3:30, my MIL was not able to get off. No one else was asked to come up, or thought they were welcome. My FIL had a look of terror on his face, he knew as well as we did the odds. He was standing in the room when we were told that C might only live max 24 hours. At 4:00 I was wheeled down to the OR, the rooms on the way down were empty. It was like a ghost town.

When I got down to the OR I had the respiratory therapist come talk with me, I had the NICU nurse and doctor come and talk with me. They prepared me for what to expect with C. I was told he would not cry, and if he did it would be a very small cry. They were going to remove him as gentle as possible to prevent any stress. The anaesthesiologist came in, he asked if I wanted to know what was going on, which I didn't. He told me, he is there for me and only me, if anything feels funny to tell him right away. At that point Dr Slotnick comes in, he helps hold me in place while they did the spinal. I am laid back, and Dr Oki comes in. They hang the drapes, and went and got P. I heard a few times, I think one was 4:15 which was the first cut. I heard 4:23, but I didn't understand what that was until later. The anaesthesiologist walked around, came back and asked if we were having a boy or a girl. We said a boy, and he said he is a boy. He told us he was doing great. He scored a 5 on his first apgar, and a 9 on his second (after he was vented).

The rest of the surgery, was just that, surgery. We waited for the NICU staff to leave, when they were leaving they stopped for me to see C. Even though I had to wait for the first look at him, it is still a memory I will never forget. Even though it wasn't like the others, it was just as special.

C's first cry, we did have to wait several days for that. But his first cry brought tears to my eyes, just as much as the others. It was so tiny. He sounded like a little kitten. The first time I held him, even though it was terrifying, is just as special as the others. I still remember what his little body felt like when I picked him up. I remember how it felt as if I was holding a small kitten, he was so tiny.

Even though C's birth was different, it is still very special. Birth isn't a matter of how you have the child, it is the memories you cherish from their birth. Would I change it? No. Not his birth, but I would change everything that happened leading up to his birth. Do I feel robbed, yes. But not of a vaginal birth, I feel robbed of the last 13 weeks of my pregnancy, I feel robbed of having the perfect newborn. But his birth, no, it is a time that I will look back on and cherish. I might make snide comments, but they are nothing more then that, a snide comment.